Not Broken…Becoming

A space for slowing down, softening, and rebuilding in small, intentional ways

Category: Becoming

  • Childhood Me + Future Me + High Five = Present Me, a Work in Progress

    At some point between growing up, joining the military, and becoming a parent, I came to believe I did not deserve nice, soft, comforting things. I’m an Aircraft Maintainer, I can’t be soft in my own home; I’m in the military, I can’t have my own individual things outside of work; I’m a single parent, I’m not allowed to have nice things because I “messed up and did life ‘wrong’” (the hardest belief that I’m working to unlearn).

    If you’re reading this and have had similar thoughts… Let me tell you that whoever is telling us these things is WRONG. Over the past year or so, I’ve been working to challenge this and to allow myself to do more for myself as an individual. It’s been quite the experience, giving myself permission to learn what I like, try new things to make my life easier in minor ways, and bring life into my…life.

     I’m sharing them below (with pictures!), and I hope they can serve as inspiration for you to work toward your own version of “I’m allowed to be soft, be myself, and have nice things.” 


    1) Changed my shower set-up. I went from the showerhead that came with the rental to a removable showerhead with 3 functions and a cable that irritated me so much because it couldn’t wrap properly, to finally getting a Sproos shower setup. It has a removable showerhead, a water filter, and a separate wall attachment for my soaps, shaving gel, and shower snacks/drinks. Plus, it’s PURPLE (my favorite color)!


    2) Bluetooth lightbulbs. Okay, I didn’t know these were a thing until a friend of mine shared the ones she had and used instead of her main lights. There are two in the living room and one in my room. I love having them because I can set them up on timers (which has been GREAT as a way to tell me when I need to be leaving my house to be on time for work), change the color for different times of day (there’s a setting where the color will change based on sunrise/sunset), or just because I want to change the colors. I’m still figuring out how I want the living room bulbs to work in terms of colors, but I like that they’re an option instead of the overhead lights. Bonus: this is all controlled by an app on my phone!

    3) (apologies, no picture for this one!) I switched my Target bed sheet sets to satin/silk ones! In red and purple! I have to say, it feels AMAZING to climb into bed at the end of the day and feel the coolness of the sheets against my skin, especially in Texas. It is a bit amusing to slide around when I rotate like a rotisserie chicken, and I sometimes have to yank my blanket up because it slides off the bed. But to me, those are minor things compared to feeling cool and having something feel so nice against my skin. Seeing them always has me going “oooh, these are NICE!!!” 


    4) Added clothes to my wardrobe that I actually enjoy wearing! Because I didn’t want to continue rotating the hoodie-jeans-legging combo every day…When I know I look good and feel comfortable in my clothes, that’s a small boost to my self-confidence. Also, accessories! Well, there’s a necklace or two that I rotate as well.


    5)I hung up artwork on the walls. I’d say I wanted to decorate more around the house all the time, only to buy the artwork and then set it aside, forgotten, until I happened upon it by chance. I don’t know when, but at some point, I developed the mindset that I wouldn’t decorate my house or room because we wouldn’t be here long, so why bother hanging up stuff? However, I’m realizing that just because it’s not a permanent, forever home doesn’t mean it’s not our home NOW, and it’s okay to decorate my place! It doesn’t have to look like a prison in here; I’m allowed to make it look like a home. 


      6) I added decorative accents and soft lighting to my bathroom. I had to remove a decorative piece I ordered a while ago for my bedroom because the cats kept trying to play with it (a leafy vine with hanging parts and fairy lights). I believe it was late last year when I learned about taking showers at night with low or no lighting to help lower cortisol, and that’s when I started showering with just the candle I’d bought from the Dollar Tree as part of our Halloween decorations (a battery-operated candelabra). This year, I added a rechargeable showerproof lamp with different light settings, and it’s been a great addition to the space. My favorite setting is the candlelight mode; it sets a nice, calming tone in the bathroom while the steam from the shower permeates everything. PLUS: With the low lighting on at night, I don’t have to turn on my bright-as-the-sun bathroom light whenever I have to pee, and then struggle to fall back asleep afterward—WIN! 

      This list might not seem like much, but the impact it’s having on this journey of becoming…me has shed light on what life can look like when you give yourself the permission you were waiting for someone else to grant.

      Friend…Let that person be *YOU*. You deserve it.

    1. Shower Thoughts and On The Road Clarity

      I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment in time when I thought, believed, and convinced myself that I did not deserve nice things. That I did not deserve softness, or anything good in my life.

      I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment when I decided I wasn’t going to decorate my space — because what was the point? I was going to be moving anyway. Living situations were temporary. There’s no point in decorating a space for yourself just to have to pack it all up and move.

      But I can probably pinpoint, at least get close to, when that thought became a belief. When it rooted itself into my mind and into my heart-that I didn’t deserve, and wasn’t worthy of, having nice things. That I wasn’t worthy of being soft. Of doing things for myself.

      I believed I had to be a robot. I just went along with whatever, just to have the temporary attention of someone who truly did not have my best interests at heart. I was there to serve a purpose for them, and that was it.

      I could spend so much time trying to figure out exactly when these thoughts ingrained themselves into the recesses of my brain. But when I think about that, I wonder… What good would that do? Reminisce and get stuck in the past? Get stuck staring in the rearview mirror at my decisions, my beliefs, things that happened that I can no longer do anything about?

      When I could instead be looking forward.

      Not in the sense that I have to control how everything goes; because you can only control so much. There are things that will happen that I can’t control, and I have to be okay with that. But there’s nothing stopping me from having hope about the future. There’s nothing stopping me from wondering what if, and letting my imagination and creativity run wild with the possibilities of what my life could look like. How I want to feel. What I believe about myself. I can change all of that. Without staring in the rearview mirror.

      Yes, I can look back. I can look at my past choices, my history. But when I do, I want to do it as a way of saying: that’s where I’ve been. This is what my past has taught me. This is how it helped me become the woman I am today. Because yes, there are limiting beliefs that have burned themselves into my brain; but there are also good things that came out of the events of my past. One of those things being the woman that I am today.

      I am-and yes, this word is horrifically overused-I am resilient. I am stubborn in a way that I don’t like to give up. That could be a perfectionism thing, but I think it’s also just how I am. I don’t like to give up on things.

      Has that been detrimental in the past? Yes. There is a time and a place to say, okay, this situation is not good for me and I need to let it go. But overall, I am strong-willed. I am a creative woman. I am a dreamer. I am someone who can be hopelessly optimistic at times, and also, honestly, kind of pessimistic. But that’s more my humor and just knowing how work goes. I’m not really surprised when things happen. It’s just a “it is what it is” kind of thing.

      I am someone that people can depend on to get things done. Sometimes it takes me a little longer, but I try my best.

      There are so many good qualities about myself that I’ve let the limiting beliefs from my past overshadow, pushing them to the back, dark corners of my mind. The belief that I am not worthy, not deserving, that I can’t have the desires of my heart and the dreams in my mind. Those got buried so deep, nobody could see them.

      But now, at my big age of 38, coming up on the last few years of my time in the military, I find myself being more…introspective. And I am desiring to put those limiting beliefs back into the dark corners and lock them away, to never see the light of day again and replace them with the woman I want to become. The woman I know I already am.

      She’s in there somewhere.

      She’s confident in herself. She listens to her intuition and trusts her gut. She exercises boundaries and standards and is not afraid or ashamed to say, “No, that’s not gonna work for me,” or “No, I’m not available for that.” She is open to receiving. Not just material things, but good experiences, good feelings, all of the goodness. She doesn’t give up and finds a way to go after what she wants, even if it takes a few years. My college degree being one of those things.

      That is the woman I am. And that is the woman I want to bring out into the world, even though it’s scary. Even though a part of me will wonder: What are other people going to think?

      I want to be the woman who does not let the opinions of others affect her. Because they’re not paying my bills. They’re not living my life. So why should their opinions have any say in how I live it?

      ******

      I’m not 100% certain where I was going with this…this spoken word, stream of consciousness. I just know I had those first few lines in my head and I wanted to get them out. And it spun into all of these thoughts.

      I’m about to be that person who goes to get boba tea from a place that closes in 10 minutes; because I told myself that if I assembled my daughter’s desk and did the dishes, I was going to treat myself. So that’s exactly where I’m going.

      Good night!

    2. Becoming okay with being unpolished

      I have been sitting on this post for…a few days. Not for any real reason…The excitement from my first return post had worn off, the “what ifs” had set in, and the next thing I knew I was procrastinating on sharing any of the ideas I had written in my notebook.

      So.

      Here I am, at 11:45 on a Friday night, sharing these words with you.

      Affirmations, really. From the Third Eye Affirmations app, and the I Am app. There have been quite a few lately that I’ve taken screenshots of, and I wanted to share some of the ones that have really stuck out to me.

      They stuck out not because they seem generic, but because they would pop up in the widget right when I was having thoughts about the exact opposite. When I would doubt myself, if I’d ever reach my goals, if I’d ever stick with this consistently. When I’d wonder if anyone would actually read or care about the words I wrote.

      These affirmations would do just that…affirm. Encourage me to not give up, to keep writing even if it’s not perfect.

      So now I share them with you; because maybe they’ll resonate with you like they have with me. Maybe not in the exact same way, but in *some* way.

      *My validation comes from myself.

      * I notice when I’m being too hard on myself and I soften. I speak to myself in a way that actual helps me grow. Kindness is more effective than criticism.

      * I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of respect or love. I’m allowed to be a work in progress. That doesn’t make me less, it makes me real.

      * It’s okay to set my own boundaries.

      * My personal growth journey is something to be proud of.

      * I give myself permission to b imperfect and human.

      * I trust that what I’m building will take time. I don’t rush the process just to feel ahead. I’m focused on creating something that actually lasts.

      * I am becoming more comfortable being seen as I really am. I don’t need to perform or filter myself to be accepted. The right people will resonate with the real version of me.

      * My contributions to the world are valuable and meaningful.

      * I let go of the need to control every outcome. Not everything requires my interference to work out. Sometimes the best things I can do is trust and allow.

      * I am worthy of achieving great things in life.

      * I am learning to be patient with my own process. Growth doesn’t always look dramatic, but it’s happening. I give myself credit for the progress I don’t always see.

      * I embrace my creativity as an essential part of who I am (this one really hit home when I was doubting my writing ability).

      There you have it. Are there any that I’ve shared that stuck out to you as well? Do you have any affirmations of your own that you use on a daily basis? Let me know in the comments down below.

    3. Beauty in the Mending

      I was recently reminded of the concept of Kintsugi: the Japanese process of repairing broken pottery using lacquer dusted with powdered gold. Instead of hiding the cracks, they’re highlighted. Instead of returning to what it was before, it becomes something new.

      Something more…intentional.

      This repair technique stuck with me; not just the beauty of it, but the meaning behind it. Something that’s broken doesn’t have to be discarded, disguised, or hidden…It can be repaired in a way that shows the scars and flaws. Highlights them, even.

      How often do we try to cover up the parts of ourselves that feel cracked or worn down? All of the ways that we’ve learned to move through life in survival mode, not knowing how to soften the hardened parts of ourselves.

      I’ve noticed a shift. Nothing dramatic or complete. Small changes, happening over time.

      Replacing the lighting in my space with tones and colors that are softer, calmer, and more relaxing. Sprinkling more Shenise into my room. Giving myself permission to enjoy simple things again: colors, soft textures, peace.

      Does this fix everything? I wish, but no. All the same, it IS starting to feel like I am doing some mending.

      It feels like I am learning how to take the pieces of myself that have been through some things and care for them in a way I wish they had been cared for from the beginning. I’m not trying to go back to who I was before; I am becoming something new in the process.

      My own form of Kintsugi.

      Reminding myself often that I am not broken…

      I am becoming.