I read a post on Threads where a parent shared their child’s grades. They were all A’s, but they chose to focus on the one B they had gotten on an exam and mentioned getting them tutoring because of that. Naturally, people were upset and thrown off by that, since the other grades were all A’s.
I found myself affected by this post as well; it reminded me of when I was in school, and that while I may have been trying my best, my grades weren’t straight A’s, so it felt like the effort I put in didn’t really matter.
Which led me to think, “Where else have I let the “it’s not straight A’s” mentality affect how I go about doing things in my life? How else have I let needing to be perfect impact how I live, go after things I want but didn’t for fear of messing up and not getting “straight A’s” in things that aren’t even graded?
Judged by others, it is always a possibility. But receiving an actual grade? Highly doubtful.
Where in my life have I tried my absolute best, then tried to downplay that effort by applying the “it’s not straight A’s” mentality, even when things went well??
Isn’t it interesting how old ways of thinking tend to surface seemingly out of nowhere, only to result in doing internal retrospection on just how deep that way has been ingrained into our minds and behaviors?
At some point between growing up, joining the military, and becoming a parent, I came to believe I did not deserve nice, soft, comforting things. I’m an Aircraft Maintainer, I can’t be soft in my own home; I’m in the military, I can’t have my own individual things outside of work; I’m a single parent, I’m not allowed to have nice things because I “messed up and did life ‘wrong’” (the hardest belief that I’m working to unlearn).
If you’re reading this and have had similar thoughts… Let me tell you that whoever is telling us these things is WRONG. Over the past year or so, I’ve been working to challenge this and to allow myself to do more for myself as an individual. It’s been quite the experience, giving myself permission to learn what I like, try new things to make my life easier in minor ways, and bring life into my…life.
I’m sharing them below (with pictures!), and I hope they can serve as inspiration for you to work toward your own version of “I’m allowed to be soft, be myself, and have nice things.”
1) Changed my shower set-up. I went from the showerhead that came with the rental to a removable showerhead with 3 functions and a cable that irritated me so much because it couldn’t wrap properly, to finally getting a Sproos shower setup. It has a removable showerhead, a water filter, and a separate wall attachment for my soaps, shaving gel, and shower snacks/drinks. Plus, it’s PURPLE (my favorite color)! 2) Bluetooth lightbulbs. Okay, I didn’t know these were a thing until a friend of mine shared the ones she had and used instead of her main lights. There are two in the living room and one in my room. I love having them because I can set them up on timers (which has been GREAT as a way to tell me when I need to be leaving my house to be on time for work), change the color for different times of day (there’s a setting where the color will change based on sunrise/sunset), or just because I want to change the colors. I’m still figuring out how I want the living room bulbs to work in terms of colors, but I like that they’re an option instead of the overhead lights. Bonus: this is all controlled by an app on my phone!
3) (apologies, no picture for this one!) I switched my Target bed sheet sets to satin/silk ones! In red and purple! I have to say, it feels AMAZING to climb into bed at the end of the day and feel the coolness of the sheets against my skin, especially in Texas. It is a bit amusing to slide around when I rotate like a rotisserie chicken, and I sometimes have to yank my blanket up because it slides off the bed. But to me, those are minor things compared to feeling cool and having something feel so nice against my skin. Seeing them always has me going “oooh, these are NICE!!!”
4) Added clothes to my wardrobe that I actually enjoy wearing! Because I didn’t want to continue rotating the hoodie-jeans-legging combo every day…When I know I look good and feel comfortable in my clothes, that’s a small boost to my self-confidence. Also, accessories! Well, there’s a necklace or two that I rotate as well. 5)I hung up artwork on the walls. I’d say I wanted to decorate more around the house all the time, only to buy the artwork and then set it aside, forgotten, until I happened upon it by chance. I don’t know when, but at some point, I developed the mindset that I wouldn’t decorate my house or room because we wouldn’t be here long, so why bother hanging up stuff? However, I’m realizing that just because it’s not a permanent, forever home doesn’t mean it’s not our home NOW, and it’s okay to decorate my place! It doesn’t have to look like a prison in here; I’m allowed to make it look like a home.
6) I added decorative accents and soft lighting to my bathroom. I had to remove a decorative piece I ordered a while ago for my bedroom because the cats kept trying to play with it (a leafy vine with hanging parts and fairy lights). I believe it was late last year when I learned about taking showers at night with low or no lighting to help lower cortisol, and that’s when I started showering with just the candle I’d bought from the Dollar Tree as part of our Halloween decorations (a battery-operated candelabra). This year, I added a rechargeable showerproof lamp with different light settings, and it’s been a great addition to the space. My favorite setting is the candlelight mode; it sets a nice, calming tone in the bathroom while the steam from the shower permeates everything. PLUS: With the low lighting on at night, I don’t have to turn on my bright-as-the-sun bathroom light whenever I have to pee, and then struggle to fall back asleep afterward—WIN!
This list might not seem like much, but the impact it’s having on this journey of becoming…me has shed light on what life can look like when you give yourself the permission you were waiting for someone else to grant.
I was recently reminded of the concept of Kintsugi: the Japanese process of repairing broken pottery using lacquer dusted with powdered gold. Instead of hiding the cracks, they’re highlighted. Instead of returning to what it was before, it becomes something new.
Something more…intentional.
This repair technique stuck with me; not just the beauty of it, but the meaning behind it. Something that’s broken doesn’t have to be discarded, disguised, or hidden…It can be repaired in a way that shows the scars and flaws. Highlights them, even.
How often do we try to cover up the parts of ourselves that feel cracked or worn down? All of the ways that we’ve learned to move through life in survival mode, not knowing how to soften the hardened parts of ourselves.
I’ve noticed a shift. Nothing dramatic or complete. Small changes, happening over time.
Replacing the lighting in my space with tones and colors that are softer, calmer, and more relaxing. Sprinkling more Shenise into my room. Giving myself permission to enjoy simple things again: colors, soft textures, peace.
Does this fix everything? I wish, but no. All the same, it IS starting to feel like I am doing some mending.
It feels like I am learning how to take the pieces of myself that have been through some things and care for them in a way I wish they had been cared for from the beginning. I’m not trying to go back to who I was before; I am becoming something new in the process.
Not Broken...Becoming 