Not Broken…Becoming

A space for slowing down, softening, and rebuilding in small, intentional ways

Tag: acceptance

  • Childhood Me + Future Me + High Five = Present Me, a Work in Progress

    At some point between growing up, joining the military, and becoming a parent, I came to believe I did not deserve nice, soft, comforting things. I’m an Aircraft Maintainer, I can’t be soft in my own home; I’m in the military, I can’t have my own individual things outside of work; I’m a single parent, I’m not allowed to have nice things because I “messed up and did life ‘wrong’” (the hardest belief that I’m working to unlearn).

    If you’re reading this and have had similar thoughts… Let me tell you that whoever is telling us these things is WRONG. Over the past year or so, I’ve been working to challenge this and to allow myself to do more for myself as an individual. It’s been quite the experience, giving myself permission to learn what I like, try new things to make my life easier in minor ways, and bring life into my…life.

     I’m sharing them below (with pictures!), and I hope they can serve as inspiration for you to work toward your own version of “I’m allowed to be soft, be myself, and have nice things.” 


    1) Changed my shower set-up. I went from the showerhead that came with the rental to a removable showerhead with 3 functions and a cable that irritated me so much because it couldn’t wrap properly, to finally getting a Sproos shower setup. It has a removable showerhead, a water filter, and a separate wall attachment for my soaps, shaving gel, and shower snacks/drinks. Plus, it’s PURPLE (my favorite color)!


    2) Bluetooth lightbulbs. Okay, I didn’t know these were a thing until a friend of mine shared the ones she had and used instead of her main lights. There are two in the living room and one in my room. I love having them because I can set them up on timers (which has been GREAT as a way to tell me when I need to be leaving my house to be on time for work), change the color for different times of day (there’s a setting where the color will change based on sunrise/sunset), or just because I want to change the colors. I’m still figuring out how I want the living room bulbs to work in terms of colors, but I like that they’re an option instead of the overhead lights. Bonus: this is all controlled by an app on my phone!

    3) (apologies, no picture for this one!) I switched my Target bed sheet sets to satin/silk ones! In red and purple! I have to say, it feels AMAZING to climb into bed at the end of the day and feel the coolness of the sheets against my skin, especially in Texas. It is a bit amusing to slide around when I rotate like a rotisserie chicken, and I sometimes have to yank my blanket up because it slides off the bed. But to me, those are minor things compared to feeling cool and having something feel so nice against my skin. Seeing them always has me going “oooh, these are NICE!!!” 


    4) Added clothes to my wardrobe that I actually enjoy wearing! Because I didn’t want to continue rotating the hoodie-jeans-legging combo every day…When I know I look good and feel comfortable in my clothes, that’s a small boost to my self-confidence. Also, accessories! Well, there’s a necklace or two that I rotate as well.


    5)I hung up artwork on the walls. I’d say I wanted to decorate more around the house all the time, only to buy the artwork and then set it aside, forgotten, until I happened upon it by chance. I don’t know when, but at some point, I developed the mindset that I wouldn’t decorate my house or room because we wouldn’t be here long, so why bother hanging up stuff? However, I’m realizing that just because it’s not a permanent, forever home doesn’t mean it’s not our home NOW, and it’s okay to decorate my place! It doesn’t have to look like a prison in here; I’m allowed to make it look like a home. 


      6) I added decorative accents and soft lighting to my bathroom. I had to remove a decorative piece I ordered a while ago for my bedroom because the cats kept trying to play with it (a leafy vine with hanging parts and fairy lights). I believe it was late last year when I learned about taking showers at night with low or no lighting to help lower cortisol, and that’s when I started showering with just the candle I’d bought from the Dollar Tree as part of our Halloween decorations (a battery-operated candelabra). This year, I added a rechargeable showerproof lamp with different light settings, and it’s been a great addition to the space. My favorite setting is the candlelight mode; it sets a nice, calming tone in the bathroom while the steam from the shower permeates everything. PLUS: With the low lighting on at night, I don’t have to turn on my bright-as-the-sun bathroom light whenever I have to pee, and then struggle to fall back asleep afterward—WIN! 

      This list might not seem like much, but the impact it’s having on this journey of becoming…me has shed light on what life can look like when you give yourself the permission you were waiting for someone else to grant.

      Friend…Let that person be *YOU*. You deserve it.

    1. Let Her Go

      She couldn’t believe what she was about to do.

      Surely she was crazy for even entertaining the thought; for daring to listen to the quiet voice inside her mind that’s saying,

      “Do it.”

      “Ignore the ‘buts’ and ‘what ifs’. You aren’t hurting anyone, and you know in your heart that you really want to… So do it.”

      Closed eyes. A deep, shuddering, grounding breath. Clenched fists. Bare feet.

      The first drop on her skin was a quick, cold shock to her system. She crossed her arms tightly around herself, a symbol of a security blanket meant to shrink, to hide, to protect. the drops continued to fall, and soon she adjusted to the feel of the water on her skin.

      She wanted to run and go back to the safety of a covering, but her feet chose that moment to disobey.

      “Let go.”

      Hesitant, her arms dropped to her sides. Exposed. Doubt, fear, worry, discomfort, vulnerable…weak.

      Head tilted upwards, a giggle escaped her rain-drenched lips. Followed by another, and another until the laughter became a continuous symphony from a place deep inside she’d forgotten existed.

      She didn’t notice the tears at first.

      Not until the laughter died away, replaced by a tightness in her chest.

      When did the laughter compromise the strength of her fortress? Erode the defenses that held her secrets, her weaknesses, her shortcomings, her failures?

      A sob escaped. Arms returned to their security posts. Knees connected with the pavement.

      The fortress fell.

    2. Becoming okay with being unpolished

      I have been sitting on this post for…a few days. Not for any real reason…The excitement from my first return post had worn off, the “what ifs” had set in, and the next thing I knew I was procrastinating on sharing any of the ideas I had written in my notebook.

      So.

      Here I am, at 11:45 on a Friday night, sharing these words with you.

      Affirmations, really. From the Third Eye Affirmations app, and the I Am app. There have been quite a few lately that I’ve taken screenshots of, and I wanted to share some of the ones that have really stuck out to me.

      They stuck out not because they seem generic, but because they would pop up in the widget right when I was having thoughts about the exact opposite. When I would doubt myself, if I’d ever reach my goals, if I’d ever stick with this consistently. When I’d wonder if anyone would actually read or care about the words I wrote.

      These affirmations would do just that…affirm. Encourage me to not give up, to keep writing even if it’s not perfect.

      So now I share them with you; because maybe they’ll resonate with you like they have with me. Maybe not in the exact same way, but in *some* way.

      *My validation comes from myself.

      * I notice when I’m being too hard on myself and I soften. I speak to myself in a way that actual helps me grow. Kindness is more effective than criticism.

      * I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy of respect or love. I’m allowed to be a work in progress. That doesn’t make me less, it makes me real.

      * It’s okay to set my own boundaries.

      * My personal growth journey is something to be proud of.

      * I give myself permission to b imperfect and human.

      * I trust that what I’m building will take time. I don’t rush the process just to feel ahead. I’m focused on creating something that actually lasts.

      * I am becoming more comfortable being seen as I really am. I don’t need to perform or filter myself to be accepted. The right people will resonate with the real version of me.

      * My contributions to the world are valuable and meaningful.

      * I let go of the need to control every outcome. Not everything requires my interference to work out. Sometimes the best things I can do is trust and allow.

      * I am worthy of achieving great things in life.

      * I am learning to be patient with my own process. Growth doesn’t always look dramatic, but it’s happening. I give myself credit for the progress I don’t always see.

      * I embrace my creativity as an essential part of who I am (this one really hit home when I was doubting my writing ability).

      There you have it. Are there any that I’ve shared that stuck out to you as well? Do you have any affirmations of your own that you use on a daily basis? Let me know in the comments down below.

    3. Beauty in the Mending

      I was recently reminded of the concept of Kintsugi: the Japanese process of repairing broken pottery using lacquer dusted with powdered gold. Instead of hiding the cracks, they’re highlighted. Instead of returning to what it was before, it becomes something new.

      Something more…intentional.

      This repair technique stuck with me; not just the beauty of it, but the meaning behind it. Something that’s broken doesn’t have to be discarded, disguised, or hidden…It can be repaired in a way that shows the scars and flaws. Highlights them, even.

      How often do we try to cover up the parts of ourselves that feel cracked or worn down? All of the ways that we’ve learned to move through life in survival mode, not knowing how to soften the hardened parts of ourselves.

      I’ve noticed a shift. Nothing dramatic or complete. Small changes, happening over time.

      Replacing the lighting in my space with tones and colors that are softer, calmer, and more relaxing. Sprinkling more Shenise into my room. Giving myself permission to enjoy simple things again: colors, soft textures, peace.

      Does this fix everything? I wish, but no. All the same, it IS starting to feel like I am doing some mending.

      It feels like I am learning how to take the pieces of myself that have been through some things and care for them in a way I wish they had been cared for from the beginning. I’m not trying to go back to who I was before; I am becoming something new in the process.

      My own form of Kintsugi.

      Reminding myself often that I am not broken…

      I am becoming.

    4. What do You do when God Speaks to You?

      Last week I was on a walk as part of a cardio requirement for the challenge I’m currently participating in at my gym. Normally I listen to music to pass the time and to help me stay motivated, but this time I decided to go into Audible and download a book to listen to from my library. The book I chose to read is called “Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts” by Jennie Allen; and I’m so glad that I was led to start this one because it’s been really good so far, it’s an easy book to listen to (this book is read by the author, and I find her voice pleasant to listen to), and there are a few parts that I can relate to already (and I’m only on Chapter 9)!

      In the first few chapters, Jennie talks about the scripture Psalm 139, and how God used it as a reminder that no matter where we are or what we’ve done, He will be there for us. I went to my own Bible and read this passage for myself, and received a few much needed affirmations about God and how He feels about me.

      Have you ever had those moments where the Spirit is trying to tell you something, and you’re only kind of listening so He continues to impress onto your mind to LISTEN to what He has to say, and also write it down so you can go back and read it over as a reminder when needed? I had a moment like that a day or so after I started reading this book.

      I was finishing up reading my devotional for the morning, when I thought back to Psalm 139 and the verse that says, “Where shall I go from your spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?”. A thought occurred to me that I tried to push away, thinking it was a distraction. However as the thought revealed itself more, I realized that God was trying to tell me something and so I listened. Then He told me to write it down, to which I said no at first (I know, I know…). When you hear “No, you NEED to write this down” in your head…You write that thought down no questions asked!

      Here is what God had to tell me, which further affirmed that He IS here for me, NO MATTER WHAT, WHERE, or WHO I try to use as an “escape” because I didn’t believe that I was enough or deserved anything good:

      I’m sharing this because we all have dark parts of ourselves that we believe can’t be reached or healed by God. We’ve done things we’re ashamed of and don’t believe that God will love us because of them. I’m especially sharing because of the last few phrases; let these serve as reminders and affirmations for you whenever you because they ARE true!!

      I AM WORTHY

      I AM LOVED

      I AM WANTED

      If you can, read Psalm 139 and allow God to speak to the broken parts you keep hidden from Him. HE IS THERE FOR YOU!


      I hope this message blesses and encourages you 💜 Feel free to comment and share with someone else who needs to hear a few words of affirmation and encouragement!